CAUGHT WITH PANTS DOWN

Being the great investigative reporter that I am (and just ask Dr. Maureen about the ace undercover work I did exposing the downtown Joplin "mole" back in '73), I took it upon myself last night to watch "E News," "Access Hollywood," and every other celebrity news show on TV in order to get the bare facts about Prince Harry's recent naked romp in Las Vegas.  And when none of the programs actually showed the royal family jewels in the flesh to their titillated audiences, I, of course, had to go straight to the Internet to get the full-frontal story. After all, that's what true journalists do. In-depth research.

So I got on the TMZ website to feast my eyes on his royal hiney and, boy, what a disappointment. In one picture he's standing with some other nude body and has a hand securely placed over his little tallywhacker. In the other pic, you just see his blurry bare bum folded over someone else, still standing, but like he's rushing to get away. There's nothing the least bit erotic about either picture. He just looks like an embarrassed little boy caught with his pants down.

A childish prank?  Sure. Conduct unbecoming?  Well, I suppose so--but it's certainly not as bad as that idiot Missouri politician who claimed last week that "the female body" can block an unwanted pregnancy when involved in what he calls a "legitimate rape."  Now there's a REAL ass for you.

The Flaming Bore has spoken.

(DISCLAIMER:  The above picture is NOT actually Prince Harry but is a close resemblance and is printed for the benefit of those readers who have too much class to check out the real deal on TMZ.)

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Sweet Neighbor Girl had a bundle of homework yesterday, so she came over after school and while I read a William Inge play on the hammock, she did her math and vocabulary assignments on the front porch. I checked them over when she was done, gave her the stamp of approval, and then it was time to read.  She's one of those rare kids who loves to read aloud--with expression.  LOTS of expression.  High voices, low voices, whispers, shouts, emotions, accents, sound effects--the whole show.

So, I set aside the Inge book and listened to her read....and read....and read, chapter after chapter. At first she stood for her performance, but after four chapters she shoved me over on the hammock and we took turns reading alternate pages. It was a Magic Tree House fantasy about siblings Jack and Annie trying to keep Venice, Italy from certain doom. With the help of a golden flying lion ("ROAR!!!!"), the two saved the day. Hooray!  

We finally made it to chapter eight and called it to a halt around 7:30.  I went inside to round up some supper.

"What in the world was going on out on the porch?" Big Bore asked.  

"Oh, we were just reading."

"Well, you two were screaming and laughing, and the hammock was shaking all over the place," he said. "I never thought reading was that much fun." 

"She started using a hillbilly accent and it was hilarious."  

I have no idea if she'll pass the Accelerated Reader computerized reading comprehension test for this particular book, but her oral reading skills are off the chart--loud and clear.  Of course, computers and our state standards don't care about enthusiasm, which is too bad.  

A PERSONAL EPIPHANY

I learned something about myself yesterday that I never knew before. According to the "urgent" letters I received from Mitt Romney and the Republican National Convention, I, The Flaming Bore, am one of the Republican Party's "top supporters." Good lord.  When did that happen?  

Not only that, but due to my "active political involvement and steadfast commitment to the Republican Party," I was chosen to participate in a 2012 Presidential Issues Survey and my answers are "vital."  Why, I do believe the entire future of the free world as we know it depends on ME!!

Now, truth be known, I lean more towards being a Democrat, but I am a registered Republican so I can join the fray in the primary elections. No one around here who is serious about winning dares to register as a Democrat, so anyone who wants to have much of a say in matters AND who doesn't mind being bombarded with taped phone calls and political flyers in the mail does what I do and pretends to be a Republican.  

So, with that in mind, I was more than amused to find out yesterday that I am such an astute party member "who has a finger on the pulse of your community."  Here are some of the "Presidential Issues" that were on this earth-shattering survey:

1.  Are you more enthusiastic or less enthusiastic about voting in the upcoming election in November than you were four years ago?  

3.  How interested are you in learning more about how to volunteer your time to defeat President Obama?

6.  How likely is it that you would recommend a friend to vote for Mitt Romey in the November election?

7.  Do you use social media like Facebook to communicate with friends and relatives?

And then we get to the REAL point of this survey, the biggest "issue" of all--question number ten, boxed and in bold print and labeled "critical."  Would I, The Flaming Bore, like to make a donation to the Republican National Committee?  I can start at $25.00 or just shoot my wad and go straight for the max at $30,800.  

Well, I filled out the 2012 Presidential Issues Survey and then added my own little comments, like:  "What's it to you?"  "So what?" "This is a Presidential issue?"  and "You must be kidding!"  I am an official political activist, you know, and my opinions are important!!!

I've been given special directions to "send this survey back within the next five days."  Mitt's in a RUSH to get his hands on my hard-earned retirement check, according to the mailing enveloped enclosed.  I have a feeling the poor minion who opens it is going to rush my survey (bereft of a donation, hefty or otherwise)...right to the waste basket.  

NAILING IT

After Sweet Neighbor Girl finished up with my hair yesterday, she came up with another fab idea:  "Let's do your nails!"

Now, in my glam days I used to have long, well-manicured fingernails that I kept polished, but that's been a few decades ago--more than a few decades, actually.  Nowadays I could care less, as long as they are kept short.  I've never gotten used to wearing gardening gloves, so my fingernails tend to be grimy and uneven--just the way I want them. But for SNG, I would put on my game face and humor her.

We went to the bathroom medicine chest, where I pointed out the three bottles of nail polish still in my possession--clear, silvery pink, and honeymoon red, the latter being something akin to French whorehouse red, to give you a better picture of what it looks like. I selected the clear, knowing full well what the reaction would be.

"Oooooh," SNG whined.  "That's boring!"  (This from a kid who boasts well over 50 bottles of colored nail polish that come in a special, heavy-duty carrier.)

Of course, she grabbed for the garish red. I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. I dared not watch what she was doing to my fingers, as she kept saying, "Ooops!" and wiping away her mistakes with all the skill of a mad manicurist. She gave it a clear topcoat, took the blow dryer to her creation, and voila!  My hands now look like they belong to an aging French hooker!  Hooray!

Fortunately, the medicine chest also contains a bottle of good ol' American nail polish remover, which I suspect I'll be putting to use before the end of the week.  

Fluffy's Makeover

Today I was piddling with the Picture Monkey website, experimenting with the clone tool, and I performed eye surgery on Fluffy.  Here's what she would look like if some $#@!% hadn't abused her.  Don't tell Fluffy, but it seems weird seeing her with two normal eyes.  

WHERE ON EARTH?

Trouble #1 came over after school today and immediately made a beeline to the computer.

"Nancy, will you get me on the map so I can see my house?"

He's talking about Google Earth. I've taken him to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower. We've gone to New York City to scope out airplanes at JFK International, and we've crossed the Golden Gate Bridge. Today we hit up south central Kansas for awhile and then came this request:

"Can we go to the North Pole to see where Santa Claus lives?"

"Well, I don't think there's a way we can see it because it's so icy up there," I said, trying to think fast.  "Do you have another place you'd like to see?  

"I want to see where the Titanic went down in the ocean."  Good grief!  Give me a break, kid. Where does he come up with these ideas?

Google Earth didn't seem to have the exact spot has was asking for, so I came up with something better.  

"Let's get on YouTube and we can take a trip down to the bottom of the ocean and actually see what the Titanic looks like today."

"Oh, yeah!!"

So for the next 30 minutes or more, we weaved our way in and out of the Titanic. He was mesmerized.  And, truth be known, even though I'd seen it all before on TV, it was interesting to watch once again--especially with a five-year-old kid who has an active imagination.

"Look, Nancy! There's a skeleton!"  

"Look, Nancy! There's some spirits floating around!"

"Look, Nancy!"  --Every turn of the underwater camera, there was something cool to see--chandeliers, shoes, plates, all sorts of treasures, thanks to a little sea-bot camera.

We finally finished our dive, but he was still interested in more adventure, so we stayed on YouTube and I linked us up to some virtual amusement park rides. I got dizzy after three or four roller coasters, but he was still eager to "ride" so I left him on his own.  His attention span eventually maxed out, and he finally decided it was time to get home for supper. 

"See ya later, alligator."

"After while, crocodile."

If his kindergarten teacher conducts "Show and Tell" tomorrow, he's going to have quite a story.

GARDEN SHOW

The big city newspaper's gardening section had a blurb last weekend asking readers what is thriving in their gardens in spite of the incessant heat/drought this summer. I didn't send in a response, but if I had I would have bragged about three of my best bloomers.

Starting with...vinca! They take a while to get going because they don't like the cooler spring weather, but once July kicks in these babies take off.  Not only are they colorful, but they don't need to be deadheaded!  These on the north side of our driveway get full sun all day long.  The Mexican feather grass in the background is left over from last year. It's typically an annual in Kansas, but since last winter was so mild it didn't totally die off, so we just left it.

Next up is the morning glory.  We have it in various places around Casa de la Flaming Bore, but this bunch is growing up the bottle tree. The leaves are getting pretty chewed up and they roll up in the afternoon, but the morning burst of blue is most glorious!

The zinnias are also looking fine. These are the shorter variety that sort of bush out.

The marigold and petunias seem to be doing fine in the heat, as well. Once again, the impatiens and begonias are struggling. Why do I even bother with them? The knockout rose bush is also barely hanging in there. It has a grand total of two blooms right now. You win some and you lose some when scorching is the norm. Accept your losses and celebrate your victories.







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