I GIVE

After five years of valiantly trying to nurse along our little patch of backyard fescue, we have officially given up (sorry, Maggie).  At the end of every summer, we'd re-seed, fertilize, winterize, etc., trying to bring it back to its original luster by the next spring....only to have it crash and burn again by July. The last two summers have been especially brutal. Fescue, the diva of all grasses, is more high maintenance than all the Kardashian sisters put together.

So, when we got back from vacation, a landscaping vision came to me and I decided it was time for a drastic change--one that wouldn't require much blood, sweat, and tears after it was all laid out. I bought 15 bags of mulch, 20 pavers, a bunch of bricks, and five bags of Arkansas white rock, and "presto-change-o!" No more grass worries! No more grass! 

Even Big Bore, whose contribution to the cause was unloading all the materials and then getting the heck outta my way, thinks I have created a masterpiece.

And the good news is, I still have four bags of mulch and two bags of white rock unused!  My brain is already at work trying to decide what to do with the leftovers!

HANGING OUT

One of the great benefits of retirement is that something always seems to pop up that keeps me from doing chores around the house.

I was going to do some major dusting yesterday, but I couldn't find any dust buster spray in the cleaning cabinet, so off I went to the store to get some.  BUT FIRST I'd make a side stop to the library to put away books, as long as I was out and about.

In the middle of the book gig, Library Lady's assistant volunteer, Miss Linda, (another retired English teacher) asked me if I'd make a bulletin board to advertise the upcoming fundraiser, a murder mystery theatre.

"Sure. What supplies do we have?"  

About all we scrounged up was a box of construction paper.  "This'll work. I'll find some pictures on the Internet and whip up something."

So, I went directly home...forgetting all about the dust spray, of course, and started designing my own huge letters with the name of the play, IT'S A HANGIN' OFFENSE. Once I got them cut out, I jumped over to the computer and checked out some silhouette clip art with western themes. My eyeballs zoomed in on a hanging tree, complete with noose. Perfect. I printed it out, a few inches high, and tried to replicate a larger one on white construction paper as a template.

The drawing took awhile...mainly because I'm a lousy artist and cutter-outer AND Critter kept wanting to help, but finally it was done. Concerned that it might not look much like the original, I took my template outside to Big Bore for his assessment.

"Would you please look this over and tell me what you think it is?" I asked, hopeful that "hanging tree" would jump right out of his mouth.

He paused to give the cutout his critical eye. His face skewed quizzically. This was not good. "Hmmm."  Finally, an answer emerged.  "Is it something like a lava flow?"

"A lava flow?!!" I said incredulously. "Where do you see a lava flow in this?"  I was soooooo disappointed.  Even Critter could have given me a better answer. Was my artistic ability even worse than I thought?

"It's a hanging tree!" he laughed.

Relieved, I then set about tracing my template to black construction paper, cut it out--after removing Critter several more times from the action--typed up some labels with info about the big production, then returned to the library to throw it all together on the bulletin board, with the help of Miss Linda. By the time I was finished, it was time for "Jeopardy" to start, so I dashed back home to plop down in front of the TV and answer questions. Whew! What an afternoon!

So that's how a day of retirement usually goes. Somehow, the dust spray never got purchased and the dusting never got done, surprise-surprise. I will head back to the store pretty soon, with the best of intentions, and maybe the job will get completed today. At least, some of it.  

But first, I have to stop by the library to return some books and check out a few more.....                

LAST BLAST OF VACATION--CALL OF THE WILD

Our final evening in Colorado was spent at a Rocky Mt. National Park meadow attending a nature watch/lecture titled "The Power of Love" (including musical accompaniment by Huey Lewis and the News), or "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Elk Mating Habits but Were Afraid to Ask."  The lecture part was given by Ranger Mike and the "watch" part was presented by a harem herd of elk cows and three elk bulls who were eager to please when/if called upon.

Here are five fun facts about elk mating habits that you MUST know:

1.  Elk cows select their mates based upon the size of the bull's horn rack (yes, girls, size DOES matter), his color (the darker the better), and the sound of his bugling (loudest and deepest is best).

2.  If a female sees a male that is bigger and darker than her current beau, she'll ditch the smaller, lighter one in a flash and go after the big boy. (We got to see this happen in the meadow--and the "ditchee" was none too happy.)

3.  Males put so much energy trying to get their rack larger for the cows that they lose 10% of the calcium from their rib cage.

4.  A bull usually becomes sexually active by age two, but he may not actually be chosen as a mate until he's older. The females are the choosers in elk mating.  They must give their consent (not in writing, at least I don't think so) before the male is allowed to hook up with her, both literally and figuratively.

5.  Females live MUCH longer than males. In fact, it's rare for a male to live over age 10. This is because they just get so stressed out trying to be the king stud.

And there you have it. We hiked a lot and learned a lot and saw a lot of water.  What a GREAT VACATION!

FEELING SNOOZY

Always ready to learn more about nature, Big Bore and I attended several national park programs while we were on vacation.  An enthusiastic retired science teacher told us all about the black bear, which roams Rocky Mountain National Park (not to be confused with the grizzly, which is common at Glacier NP).  Here are five fun facts about black bear hibernation habits:

1.  Before hibernation, the bear will consume about 20,000 calories per day.  That's equivalent to a human eating 17 Big Macs, 13 orders of large fries, and washing it all down with 3 milkshakes. Bring it on!

2. After stuffing themselves silly, and right before retiring for the big snooze, the bears start fasting except to eat pine cones to plug up their poop chutes, anal orifices, or whatever you want to call 'em. (Dr. Maureen, you might be of help here.) 

3.  In hibernation, a black bear breathes every 45 seconds. Or was that every 45 minutes? Or maybe every 45 days? Take your pick.

4. During hibernation, a black bear mama will wake up from her sleep long enough to give birth to her cubs.  She licks them clean and then goes right back to sleep and the babies nurse away. Let 'em take care of themselves.

5.  Black bear cubs weigh, on the average, one pound at birth. By age one, they average 60 pounds. If human babies gained weight at the same rate, a one-year-old would weigh 420 pounds. Put that in your diaper and think about it.  

Have a wonderful Monday!

INQUIRING MINDS

I have a feeling that when Big Bore and I were kids, we were probably always bugging our parents with pain-in-the-butt questions. I say this because we are constantly wondering about one trivial thing or the other and then rushing off to the computer to seek the answer.

Since we don't own a laptop and we anticipated LOTS of puzzling thoughts popping up during our 12-day vacation, I bought a notebook pad to log all of our questions so we could look up the answers once we got back home. Here's a sampling:

1.  How does Tyson Chicken Co. kill their chickens?

2.  How many miles a day did Lewis and Clark average on their journey through the northwest?

3.  Who is the Scott who inspired a town to be named Scott's Bluff, Nebraska?

4.  What was the name of the actor who was mauled by the evil bear in the movie GRIZZLY?  He was also in THE DIRTY DOZEN.

5.  Who was Boston Custer?

6.  What town in Canada is the home of Rock 106?

7.  Why don't ALL the wind turbines along I-70 rotate on windy days, just some of them?

8.  Why is Yellowstone National Park called Yellowstone?

9.  How many times in one night can a bull elk service his cow harem?

10. Does the huge Lower Falls at Yellowstone National Park freeze over in the winter?

11.  Who is the Yankee Jim who inspired the name Yankee Jim Canyon in Montana?

12.  Why is there a guy in Nebraska driving with a surfboard tied to the top of his van?

And the list goes on and on and on, page after page.  Here are the answers to the above questions, for those of you who have inquiring minds like ours:

1.  Tyson chops off the chickens' heads.  (which leads to a follow-up question:  Is this done manually or by a machine?)
2.  Lewis and Clark averaged 14 miles a day.
3.  Hiram Scott was a fur trader who died at the site named after him.
4.  The actor in both these movies is Richard Jaeckel. (which leads to another follow-up:  Who the heck is Richard Jaeckel and why does Big Bore remember his face?)
5.  Boston was the youngest brother of Gen. George Custer. He was a civilian who tagged along to work on  his big bro's army's pack train, and he died at Little Big Horn at age 28.
6.  Lethbridge, Canada in south-central Alberta is the home of Rock 106, and we have to add this this is THE BEST oldies rock station ever!  Too bad it doesn't reach Kansas.
7.  There are many technical reasons why the turbines might not rotate at the same time.  Go look them up yourself.
8.  French trappers named the nearby river there "Roche Jaune," which means Yellow Rock.
9.  A bull elk can service as many females as will let him. (Don't get excited. The cows are VERY picky about this.)
10.  Yes, Lower Falls can freeze over. (see picture above for the proof)
11.  James George came to the Yellowstone area in 1871 as a squatter and road builder from back east.  For 20 years Yankee Jim operated a national park toll road, and a nearby canyon was named for him.
12.  We didn't need to look this one up on the Internet.  Big Bore just asked this question of the surfer dude next to us at a gas station in Nebraska.  He was in the process of moving from Rhode Island to San Francisco.

Consider yourself educated for the day.

UBIQUITOUS

I drove very little of the 3,000+ miles on our recent vacation, but I did take a brief stint on I-90 in southwest Nebraska until I was overtaken by a semi that practically scared the liver out of me. There on the side of the truck, way BIGGER than life, was a sprawling, half naked Kim Kardashian in the same pose as the picture above.

"Good lord!" I jumped.  "Doesn't she know she could cause accidents with that photo?"

After the semi passed me, we were treated with its back side, which was a chest-up shot of Kim pouting open her red lips and showing off her pendulous breast-icles, as well as the same bottle of perfume that was on the side panel.

"We are on vacation to get AWAY from Kim Kardashian!" I moaned.  "It's bad enough that she's all over the television, magazines, and tabloid newspapers. Now she's plastered all over the interstate!"

And about the time I said that, another KK semi came zipping by from the other direction.

"She's everywhere!!!  I didn't even know she had a perfume! Who in Nebraska wears this stuff?  What's her perfume called?"

"Write it down," Big Bore suggested, his panties not all tied up in a bunch like mine were over this travesty. I had brought along a notebook to jot down all the questions we had on the trip so I could look up the answers on the Internet when we got back home. (This shall probably be the topic for my next blog.)

So, when we got back home, I dashed to the computer to find out if there really IS a Kim Kardashian perfume or if I was just hallucinating on the highway. Here's the scoop:  there has been a Kim Kardashian perfume on the market for about three years and the name of the perfume is, duh, "Kim Kardashian"--what else?

It's a "floral perfume that has sweet opening fruity notes followed by floral notes and rounded off by woodsy notes to create a well-balanced fragrance....that is best worn during the spring and summer or fall and winter evenings....and screams femininity and sexuality."  All for $20.48 an ounce at Macy's.

"Who writes this stuff?  What are perfume notes?" I screamed without a tone of femininity or sexuality.

"Look it up on the Internet."

"Kim Kardashian is taking over the world!"

I smell a conspiracy.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

When Big Bore and I were passing through Montana a few weeks ago, we galloped up to the Little Big Horn National Monument since it was just off the interstate highway and we had some time to spare--plus we had my free "America the Beautiful" senior citizen pass, which is too neato for words. We were pleased to see that this is an equal opportunity monument--sort of separate but equal. The Indians who were killed there on June 25-26, 1876, many who were scouts for the US Cavalry, are memorialized in a kiva-type area across the road from the monument where Gen. George Custer made his ill-fated "last stand."

 

Now I've long known that many Indians got their names based upon their appearance or talents or some other personal trait, and that their names might change from time to time based on some special event in their lives. It's actually rather fascinating. So, without further ado, here's my Top Ten List of Indian Names from Little Big Horn:

10.  Bloody Knife (Just the kind of guy you want to bring home to introduce to your parents.)

9.    Full Beard (Have you ever seen an adult male Indian with a full beard?  Neither have I.)

8.    Lying Down (Did he get that name because he's lazy, or good in the sack, or both?)

7.    Limber Bones (What I wish for every morning.)

6.    Guts (Short and to the point)

5.    Young Skunk (Nothing like being known for your body odor.)

4.    Long Dog  (Okay, which is it?  Did he own a dachshund or star in a porn film?)

3.    Hairy Moccasin (If there's one thing I'd really like to own it's a pair of mocs that are really hairy.)

2.    Hair Lip (self explanatory)

1.    Plenty Lice (MORE than self explanatory)

As we were soaking in the scenery, Big Bore was quick to remind me that he had once been given an Indian name when he was a Boy Scout in his adolescence. His scoutmaster tagged him Pom-O-Tawk, which supposedly translated into Tall Mountain.  He said the name was appropriate because he was the big kid lugging everybody else's food and all the cooking gear on hiking trips.

Jealous, I decided that I, The Flaming Bore, needed my own Indian name.  Now during most of the trip, Big Bore started calling me The NAGivator...his  little transpositional twist to the word "navigator" since I was sitting in the front seat of the car next to him griping and laughing about his sense of direction (or lack thereof) much of the time. But that special name doesn't seem to have the Indian ring to it. Before the trip was over, however, we came up with the perfect tribal name just for me:

Running Mouth (Need I say more?  Probably not.)