LOVE 'EM OR LEAVE 'EM?

One of my latest ridiculous guilty pleasures on TV is “Leave it to Lamas,” Sundays nights, E-Network. I started watching it because almost 30 years ago I had a crush on Lorenzo Lamas, who was sashaying his hot body as Lance Cumson (how did that name ever pass the TV censors?) on “Falcon Crest.”

“Leave it to Lamas” mainly focuses, however, on his dimwit bleached-blonde daughter, Shayne, although Lorenzo pops in every episode to dispense Ward Cleaver words of wisdom to two of his six children--back to that later.

Shayne goes about Hollywood shopping and getting manicures with her younger, half-sister Dakota, brunette. They share the same mother, Michelle, who appears to have overdosed on collagen, breast enhancement, and possibly some drugs--I’m not sure about the latter. Maybe she just naturally looks like she’s been on a seven-day binge.

Michelle and Lorenzo have another offspring on the show, AJ, who mainly scowls, smokes cigarettes, and lies around the house. Wally Cleaver he isn’t. More like Eddie Haskell on downers. He is rumored to have once had an affair with Lorenzo’s fourth wife, now ex-wife, Shauna, a Playboy has-been who looks to have O.D’d on more bleach, collagen, and breast implants than Shayne and Michelle put together. Nevertheless, having once both romanced the well-endowed Shauna, Lorenzo and AJ have a strained father-son relationship.

Since I’m mainly interested in Lorenzo giving advice to his two spoiled brats, I’ve continued to watch the show. I have to give him credit. He has managed to keep his rockin’ hot body after all these years and has not turned into mashed potatoes like most of the men over 50. He even still has his flowing locks.

Somewhere along the line, however, Lorenzo has turned into a biker boy from the hood. He always has a bandana wrapped around his head, struts about in leather biker pants with a chain hanging out of a pocket, leather V-neck cut shirts, and he sports an earring or two. He still has a legitimate career, however, making appearances at biker shows, talking about his life at nightclub gigs, and starring in B movies. Maybe C and D movies is more like it. I don’t know. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus doesn’t exactly sound like A material. His biggest fan is daddy’s little girl Shayne. While on one of her shopping sprees, she and her little doggie Maddie take time out to try to get Lorenzo a star on Hollywood’s Walk-of-Fame. How sweet.

Lorenzo’s bulk of sage advice goes to the lackadaisical AJ. Last night daddy talked him into starting to pay back the 8 grand he’s owed his granny for a few years. A noble gesture, although one gets the impression that sonny boy is only doing it because the camera is rolling and because the money is actually from the allowance he likely gets from this reality show. Dad also makes AJ include a sweet little note with the cash. When Lorenzo flies off to New York to give the envelope to his mother at her birthday party, he acts like it’s some big surprise. “I don’t know what’s in here, but AJ wants you to have it.”

Meanwhile, Shayne shows up at Granny’s house, failing to tell Lorenzo that Dakota and she trashed their New York City hotel suite the night before with pillow feathers and champagne. Maybe that will be the topic for another episode--after Lorenzo gets the bill.

I have some advice for Lorenzo: quit marrying bimbos and having kids. Get on one of your Harleys, head for the hills in your tight leather threads and chains, and, LEAVE!!