THE ONE AND OWN-LY!!!

T-minus three days and counting before the Queen of Talk launches her own television network called, appropriately, OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network!! Leave it up to Oprah to come up with cute initials.

Now, I quit watching Oprah’s syndicated talk show years ago once her shouting voice hit 1-katrillion decibels. My sorry ears just couldn’t take the assault anymore. That, plus all the drama just doesn’t appeal to me. I’d rather watch game shows. But, I admire Oprah’s income and if she wants to start her own TV network, then more power to her--except she’s not really starting her own network from the ground up. She’s just taking over what is now Discovery Health Network and stamping her name to it.

OWN is going to be on 24-7. It will have some of the old Oprah stand-bys like Dr. Phil (also known as Dr. Full--of Himself) and Dr. Oz. I’m not sure if she is still pals with Dr. Green, her diet guru, since she’s back to being Fat Oprah, but everyone knows that we all like Fat Oprah better than Thin Oprah, anyway. Otherwise, she’d be perfect, and no one likes perfection. Perfection is not good for the TV ratings. Viewers like to see Oprah cry in her size 24s.

I suspect I will watch a few of OWN’s new shows. There’s one with an intriguing title that I may check out: “In the Bedroom: Sex Therapy with Dr. Laura Berman.” Personally, however, if Oprah is going to play the sex angle I wish she had gone after the unflappable Sue Johanson, an 80-year-old nurse who is the hostess of “Talk Sex with Sue.” She will say ANYTHING, god love her, because anyone who has lived to be 80 can just blurt out whatever the heck is on her mind. She’s earned the right. Sue just loves to talk about sex toys and even shows viewers how they work. (Big Bore says I’m exaggerating. Imagine that. He asked me to clarify: “She doesn’t show how they work on HER!!”) Be that as it may; if Laura is half as hilarious as Sue, her show will be a hit. Just like Oprah Winfrey Network, of course.

At 12 AM Saturday I’m going to greet the new year by inserting my earplugs and tuning in to Oprah’s new channel, and I expect to see her proclaiming, “I OWN the WOOOORLD! in her patented Oprah shout. Steadman and Gayle will be there to crown her Queen of the Planet Earth Airwaves. Maybe Queen of the entire Milky Way Galaxy. Oh, it just will be tear-jerking Oprah-iffic!! If I can OWN-ly wait!