"....AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...."

Get all gussied up and roll out the red carpet in your living room! The Academy Awards presentation is set for tonight, and I have a date with the television.

Now, I went to a movie house a grand total of two times last year (Batman: The Dark Knight, only because I was with a teenager, and Tropic Thunder, because my car was being worked on and I had some time to kill), so I consider myself a theatrical expert. I have the subscription to Entertainment Weekly to prove it.

With those credentials, I’ve entered an Oscars contest sponsored by the Wichita Eagle, submitting my predictions for the winners, and, come tomorrow, I expect to receive an email that I have won the grand prize, which I think is a movie pass good for the rest of the year. With what it costs nowadays to get into the theatre and buy a box of popcorn and a soda, this should be worth millions!

In my younger days…much younger…I used to get together with Library Lady and some other pals for an Oscars Watch Party. We had an official code of attire: dress like a character from the Oscar-nominated menu. My memory sort of escapes me, but I think pretty much every year I dressed as a hooker because loose women roles have always won raves with the Academy, and I owned this great, tight, pink and purple satin hooker dress that I could only wear for special occasions.

The party guest who showed up with the best costume won our Oscar (a bowling trophy.) I never went home a winner, but one year Library Lady took top honors for Gandhi. There’s a picture in one of my photo albums to prove it, but it isn’t accompanying this blog because Library Lady is a reader of The Flaming Bore and we wouldn’t want to lose her friendship by giving her a heart attack.

If I was to dress up for tonight’s big event, I’d probably pick the movie The Wrestler for my costume theme. I’d pull on a pair of tights and shorts, slip on a ripped-up T-shirt, rat my hair into a nest, pull out a few teeth, and be ready to make the scene. But wait!! The wrestler guy has a stripper girlfriend who is a nominee for Best Supporting Actress! And I still have the satin hooker dress somewhere in my closet! I may have to drag it out tonight just to see if I can still shove my body into it. If the buttons don’t burst off from the strain, “The Oscar for Best Costume Special Effects goes to: The Flaming Bore!!”