MY MODEST PROPOSAL

I recently read an article about a hotshot wedding planner in California who whips together ceremonies and receptions in the $15,000 to $750,000 range, average being $135,000. Holy matrimony!!!

I think I probably spent 20 bucks on my one and only wedding. That was for a Sarah Lee frozen cake and some ice hockey tickets. No big to-do for the Flaming Bore. In fact, I even put in a half-day’s work before driving over to the courthouse in Wichita for the grand affair.

I’m not one for pomp and circumstance. I don’t like to be in the spotlight, so to speak. Maybe if I’d been virginal and under 30 at the time, I would have sprung for something more formal--but blue jeans and a flannel shirt didn’t seem to make it any less official.

Back to the newspaper article: the wedding planner said the most memorable wedding he’s worked was for country singer Leann Rimes, who ordered 20,000 Black Magic roses to be included in the decor. Well, that marriage only lasted seven years, ten years shorter than mine, so I figured I came out way ahead.

If she ever decides to get married a second time, I propose that Leann hire me as her new and improved cheapskate wedding planner. We’ll skip all the frou frou, save her a cool million, and just send the happy couple off to battle it out at a hockey game. As the late great President Harry Truman and the Flaming Bore once said, “The buck AND the puck stop here!”