POPPING CRAZY

The other night I stayed up late watching something worthless, but one commercial caught my attention: Booty Pop, a padded panty enhancer that gives the wearer perky, freaky-shaped butt cheeks. Geesh. That’s all I don’t need or want at two for $19.95 in black and nude. They come in cutesy sizes like Xtra Sweet, Sweeter, Sweetest, etc. The pitch person warned that Booty Pops attract so much attention that gals may be swarmed with admirers. Watch out! Dangerous curves ahead!

I don’t think Booty Pop panties are designed for flat, flabby bottoms of my age, however. I’ve been sitting on this bum for 60 years, and there’s nothing that’s going to fabulously elevate it, short of a tire jack or plastic ass surgery. And, that’s just too much trouble, in my opinion.

I asked Big Bore, my fashion advisor, if I should invest twenty bucks in Booty Pops.

“Why would you want them? You butt’s big enough already.”

“But it doesn’t lift up to the sky.”

“Then walk around in high heels. That’ll work.”

“With sweatpants?”

I stuck some hand towels down my Hanes to see if a popping booty would get his attention, like it did with the guys in the commercial. It did, but not in a good way.

“You look like some fat-ass,” he laughed. “Forget it. You don’t need Body Poops or Booty Pads or whatever they’re called. If you're all that concerned about it, start doing Brazilian Butt-Lift exercises.”

"Is that anything like a Brazilian wax?"

No ifs, ands, or big butts about it. Booty Pops are not going to be popping out eyes in the Flaming Bore household anytime soon.