HOPPING MAD

Of all my college roommates, the one who had the worst luck with guys was The Cowgirl. Our first night together in our apartment house was an omen of losers to come. Her boyfriend at the time chased her into the house, and while they were in the bedroom arguing, I couldn’t help but overhear her screaming, “No! Don’t!” He then slammed back into the living room where I was, with a packing knife in his hand. Holy homicide! I feared my new roomie was a goner!

--But Cowgirl was okay…physically, anyway. The soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend had taken the knife to a stuffed teddy bear he’d once given her. Poor teddy was decapitated and stuffing was strewn everywhere. I helped Cowgirl re-stuff it and we wrapped duct tape around its neck several times. Teddy stayed but her boyfriend, who, ironically, had the nickname Bear, was out the door and her life.

Next up came Jim, nicknamed, and I say this in all disgusting truth, Easy. He was a swarthy Italian-type lothario Cowgirl met at The Basement, a college pub I’ve mentioned in a previous blog or two. I thought he was a muscle-bound blow-hard of the first degree, but she was goofy for the guy for quite a while…until someone asked her, “What are you doing dating Ira _______? He’s married and has two little kids.” Yes, her Mr. Wonderful was a no good, cheating lowlife. Cowgirl was livid.

Always up for a raging confrontation, she decided to stage the break-up at our apartment when he came to pick her up for a date. She had her “support group” of gals hiding in the bedroom to eavesdrop. When Easy/Jim/Ira arrived, he immediately put on his smooth move to the sofa, kissy, kissy, at which point Cowgirl said something like, “How do your wife and kids feel about you being here?”

Silence. Awkward silence. He’d been had. Easy wasn’t going to be able to talk his way out of this one so easily. Red-faced, he started mumbling some lame excuse, but Cowgirl gave him a royal tongue lashing that turned him into the pathetic weasel that he was. What a great moment! I wish we’d had video cameras back then so we could have filmed it all as he shrunk out the door. Jerk!

Now that she is happily married, we can laugh about those long ago times of men and misery. Whoever came up with the saying, “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you catch your handsome prince” surely had Cowgirl in mind. Her frogs were just bigger and slimier than most.