PROJECT DUMB WAY

Well, once again I’m addicted to this season’s “Pwoject Wunway” (my imitation of hostess Heidi Klum’s foreign accent since her body is so perfect and I can’t make fun of anything else about her.) I have no clue why, but Big Bore is likewise fascinated with this show. We are both about as far from being fashion mavens as is humanly possible. One peek into our walk-in closet and you can see that we are high on T-shirts and low on anything else, although BB did buy a pair of dandy suspenders last weekend at Jay Cee Pennay to build up what he calls his "Old Man Wardrobe."

But we just love watching these designing gurus whip up something from nothing week after week. It’s like the Little Workshop of Horrors. The contestants back bite each other, throwing drama queen fits trying to meet the deadlines, and the judges dog some of the outfits, verbally ripping them apart. Oh, it can get vicious. “That looks dreadful!” co-host Tim Gunn groans. We love it.

Thursday night’s challenge was to create resort wear. Well, the closest place to a resort that BB and I have ever gone to is a state park in Arkansas that had a motel and restaurant, hardly 5-star stuff, but in our minds resort wear is bright colors, wild prints, comfortable attire. It’s NOT the winning mess pictured above. Where in the world is one going to wear that throat-choking nightmare? It looks like a costume from Rocky Horror Picture Show, don’t you think? Can you imagine what the tan lines are going to look like? Ridiculous!

But, of course, Heidi and her minions raved about their top choice. “I love this tough, punk baby doll look!” gushes judge Michael Kohrs. “It’s simply stunning!” swoons Nina Garcia. “I’d definitely want it in my wardrobe,” adds Heidi. What the hell are they thinking? It’s absolutely hideous and no one in her right mind is going to want to wear that to take out the garbage, let alone on a vacation. You'd have to pay me to buy it.

Big Bore and I decided we must have totally misunderstood the whole resort concept. We thought it was all about recreation wear. It’s actually clothing of last resort--as in: there’s nothing else in the closet and nobody else would wear it.