DANCING ALONG

Much to Big Bore's dismay, I've caught snippets of the new round of "Dancing with the Stars" the past two nights, and I'm sorry to say that the name of this show needs to be changed to "Dancing with the Has-Beens and Wanna-Be's." I've never heard of over half of them, and the rest haven't been stars in decades.

There are six of the twelve contestants I've actually heard of. Gladys Knight and her Pips last had a hit record in 1988. Melissa Gilbert, who played Laura "Half-Pint" Ingalls on the old "Little House on the Prairie" series from 1974-82, is now 48 years old. Martina Navratilova, who was mercifully booted last night, was once a stellar tennis player but she won her last Grand Champion tournament over 20 years ago. Then there's the Urkel kid (Jaleel somebody) from "Family Matters," which ended its run in 1995. Sherri Shepherd. Is she on "The View?" And I think maybe Jack Wagner was a soap opera actor once upon a time.

The rest of 'em, I'm clueless who they are and what makes them stars. Am I just that old and out of touch that their names are totally foreign to me?

Now, don't get me wrong. I admire anyone who wants to take dancing lessons and improve their health and coordination AND get paid for it. Famous or not, they can all dance circles around The Flaming Bore, with her three left feet. It's the network producers who need the reality check. Until they can land the likes of George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Johnny Depp, Leonardo Di Caprio, and flippin' Angelina Jolie on this show, it needs to be re-named before someone does a quick-step and files a claim for false advertising.