HEADING EAST

"You can have the remote," Big Bore announced the other night.

Oh, joy! I knew just what I wanted to watch---Turner Classic Movies, East of Eden! We don't often take on a movie when it's pushing 9 PM. He's usually getting ready for bed by then, and I have the attention span of an ant. But East of Eden...with James Dean, for gosh sakes! This would surely be a keeper.

"What's it about?" he asked.

I'd never read the book or seen the movie before, but I'd heard enough about the story line to act like an expert. "It's based on a John Steinbeck classic about brothers in conflict. Sort of a Cain and Abel or like the Prodigal Son. What are those Bible stories called when Jesus tries to teach a lesson with an example? I can't think of the word."

"Parables," Big Bore helped me out. "Metaphorically speaking."

Gee, since when did he turn into an English professor? --So, after a rough introduction from actress/shoplifter Winona Ryder, the movie began. For the next two hours we were mesmerized. Here's the movie in a nutshell:

James Dean is the bad teenaged brother Cal. His good brother Aron has a girlfriend named Abra or Aspra, or Aspirin, or something equally odd. Bible-thumping businessman wannabe Daddy Adam tells the boys their mother died when they were infants, but somehow Cal finds out she's really a successful Madam at a nearby palace of ill repute. Cal keeps trying to do good deeds to gain his Daddy's love, but his efforts always backfire; therefore, Abra or Aspririn (whatever) falls for him (natch), he reveals Mama's true identity to Aron, Aron freaks out, gets drunk and joins the army, and Daddy has a stroke --all in one night!!! Then, Cal makes a bedside promise to Daddy that he'll have Abra/Aspirin be his nurse. The end.

"Ah, come on! Don't tell me it's gonna end there!" I wailed.

Big Bore agreed. He wanted the movie to keep going, too. How could East of Eden go south on us? After two hours!! I think the Motion Picture Association needs to add a warning label for lousy movie endings like it does for foul language, violence, and nudity. Something like ES, for Ending Stinks or Ending Sucks or Ending Spews...just fill in your own S-word. Guess I'll have to go to the library now and check out some Steinbeck.