Every once in a while, if I’m still conscious after the late night news, I’ll watch a spicy little show called "Chelsea Lately" on E Channel. Chelsea is a stand-up comedienne who basically spends 30 minutes being naughty. Sometimes she’s annoying; other times she’s hilarious. Last night she was rambling on and on about a new personal hygiene product called “Subtle Butt.” It’s supposedly like a panty liner that filters out the embarrassing odor of (and how do I say this nicely?) flatulence--also known as THE DREADED FARTS.
Now at first I figured this was just another one of Chelsea’s gags, but she insisted this was a bare fact. So, I got on the ol’ Internet to do some scientific research and, lo and behold, Subtle Butt is a new product on the market, brought to you by the geniuses at Garment Guard. For $9.95, buyers can get five “disposable gas neutralizers.” According to the website, “Simply stick it in the right place and you’re ready for a chili cook-off.” Each 3-inch pad, complete with adhesive strips, is filled with activated carbon, which traps bad odors. No longer do you have to worry about entering a crowded elevator and offending the noses of those sharing your air space.
Well, I’m sure not going to rush out to my neighborhood Walgreen’s to be the first one on the block to stick a Subtle Butt down my drawers. In fact, I’m pretty upset about the whole concept. Quite frankly, it stinks! Why didn’t I think of it myself??!! It’s probably going to sell like hotcakes and make a millionaire out of some gassy goofball. I could just kick myself in the…butt.
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