LISTS

During a cleaning rampage I went on yesterday, I came across several lists that Library Lady and I made decades ago when we were trying to while away the hours of boredom living in a small town. These were not intellectual affairs, by any means. One list, titled “Flintstock Déjà Vu Concert,” consisted of the names of deceased singers who would be featured in a rock festival in the hills west of town so we could bring tourism to our little burg. Elvis is still alive, so why not Jim Croce, Ricky Nelson, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Richie Valens, Jim Morrison, etc?

The other list I found had our “Top Ten Most Hated Songs.” I included obnoxious side comments next to mine. Library Lady just let the songs speak for themselves, although I have added a few side notes. See if you recognize any of them:

1. “Havin’ My Baby” (Havin’ to listen to this song is giving me morning sickness.)
“I Am Woman”

2. “Ben” (Is Michael Jackson so desperate he has to sing a love song to a rat?)
“Daddy, Don’t You Walk So Fast”

3. “Muskrat Love” (Another rodent melody that needs exterminated.)
Anything by the 5th Dimension (I take exception with Library Lady on this one. “Cherish” was my favorite slow song on the dance floor during my senior year in high school, as I tried to force 17-year-old boys into cherishing me eternally via my questionable sexual magnetism.)

4. “In the Ghetto” (In the toilet.)
“Feelings” (LL is right-on with this one since listening to "The Ghetto" usually left me feeling constipated.)

5. “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’” (I’d rather wear platform shoes with spikes. Start walkin'!!!)
“Knock Three Times”

6. “One Tin Soldier” (The theme song for that peerless kick-ass flick, The Legend of Billy Jack.)
“Alone Again, Naturally” (This one was actually a good Saturday night theme song for Library Lady and me!)

7. “Puff the Magic Dragon” (Exactly what kind of smoke are Peter, Paul, and Mary puffing on, anyway?)

“Go Away Little Girl”--Donnie Osmond version

8. “One Bad Apple” (One rotten song.)
“Garden Party” (I think this was the song we were going to ask Ricky Nelson to sing at the Flintstock Deja Vu Concert.)

9. “Purple People Eater” (Pass the Di-Gel, please.)
“Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me?” (Yes, Boy George, I really do wanna hurt you!)

10. “I Gotta Be Me” (I gotta go barf!)
“The Name Game”

I didn’t find the best list that Library Lady and I ever scientifically developed. It started out being called, “Top 10 Men in Eureka We Wouldn’t Want to Kiss,” but it ended up being “Top 100” because we got on a bitch roll and couldn’t stop with just ten. I think it’s best that this list stay hidden in the archives forever.