SNOW QUEEN

Fifty-three winters ago the mini Flaming Bore was an accomplice in creating the above voluptuous snow woman, which was mostly the work of the males in the family, of course. I suspect I was the mastermind for her somber face, since most of my people drawings at the time gave emphasis to nostrils. “The better to breathe with, my dear!”

It is not the snow woman that I care to write about today, however. Instead, I want to focus on the pathetic looking child in this picture. Step into the Twilight Zone. Is she a refugee from a third-world nation? An orphan from the cast of “Annie”? A “Project Runway” reject? What is going on with that outfit? From top to bottom, it’s a total disaster! Does anyone wear headscarves these days? Are they even still made? Why am I wearing a dress over pants in subfreezing temperatures? Was I having some sort of gender identity crisis that day?

Next, there’s the overcoat, which looks like it’s been worn a few seasons too many, since I’m busting out of the buttons. And then there’s the footwear. Now, I’ve blogged before about this particular pair of hand-me-down rubber boots from hell; however, I’m sure no one believed that they existed and that I was only just imagining that I wore the ugliest rain/snow boots of any child at Mound School. While other little girls had their cutesy yellow, pink, and white slickers, I had these clunky two-tone brown cowboy-style boots with the classic “pull 'em on and yank 'em off” fit. Thank god by 6th grade my feet finally outgrew them. It’s a wonder I wasn’t in therapy for years. Maybe low self-esteem hadn’t been “invented” yet.

I challenge the entire Blogging Network to come up with a personal picture that is a bigger fashion mess than this one. Dig into your archives and see if you can come close. My guess is that you’ll find it impossible to top The Flaming Bore’s stunning winter ensemble. Snow doubt about it.