WATCH OUT FOR FALLING COUCH POTATOES

As much as I hate this blasted cold weather we’ve been having the past two months, I have to admit I’ve been stuck to the boob tube watching the Winter Olympics since it started over the weekend. Once upon a time, I used to head out to Colorado and ski, ski, ski. I reached intermediate status, but I never caught the hang of moguls, those egg carton-like bumps that accomplished skiers quickly maneuver around--knees together, upper body straight--bam, bam, bam! Awesome, dude!

The men’s mogul run last night took the contestants between 23-25 seconds to complete. At my prime, I figure the same run would have taken me between 23-25 minutes. I was the worst mogul-er on the mountain. I’d ski around a few, lose control, rest. Ski around a few, lose control, rest.

Deep powder was another challenge I failed to conquer on the slopes. I would usually end up knee-deep in snow, unable to move. Like being stuck in quicksand. Once, at Loveland Basin, two snowboarders came to my rescue and helped me up, but as soon as they zipped on out of sight, I sunk again. Finally, I just removed the damned skis and stomped on down the run in my boots until I got back to the packed stuff. What a bitch.

But don’t get me wrong. Most of the time I loved skiing--especially narrow trails with few people around to get in my way. I can still feel the exhilaration of going on my favorite rambling runs at Steamboat Springs--Why Not, which leads into Right-O-Way--on the northern edge of the mountain. On a clear day, the sun cutting through the surrounding trees, this was two miles of total bliss. I’d just ski these two runs over and over and wish time would stand still.

I don’t think I’ll ever go downhill skiing again, but I’m glad I did when I was younger, had a strong back, and didn’t detest cold weather. Cross country skiing might not be so bad to try now, but I think I’ll just stick to cheering on the experts at the Olympics. Lounging on the sofa watching TV is more appealing--much warmer and safer. No losing control and rolling onto the floor (“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!“) or getting stuck between the cushions. Ahhh-the thrill of victory!!