DEFYING GRAVITY

It's official. I am no longer a teenager. Justin Bieber sang Christmas carols on "The Today Show" one morning last week and I came very close to upchucking my breakfast. Now, I don't mind him performing his little hip-hop songs to his droves of fans, but puh-leaze! Leave "The Christmas Song" ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire....") alone! That cherished melody is not meant to be jiggied up and butchered with off-key notes by someone whose pants are practically falling off! If there had actually been an open fire on that outdoor stage, the only nuts being roasted would have been---oh, never mind. You can figure it out yourself.

Big Bore was even more repulsed than I. "Pull up your $#!@ pants!" he moaned to the television. "How in the world does he keep them on?" he asked me. Being baffled myself, I Googled "droopy pants" on the Internet. I got a few hits but in spite of reading them several times over, I still don't understand the physics of it all. It's a mystery to me.

"The Today Show" gave equal time to us old folks this morning and had Neil Diamond at the studio. He wasn't outside being bombarded by thousands of screaming pubescent females, but he did get one ol' gal's toes-a-tapping (mine) with "Forever in Blue Jeans." Applause, applause. He looked pretty good for 70, although I suspect he's had some hair enhancement along the way. His singing is still rich and deep--and in tune, which is always a big plus. But the best thing about Neil Diamond's performance today was the fact that his own blue jeans weren't a saggy-baggy disaster. Justin Bieber, you little butt-dragging teen sensation, pay attention!!