HALLOWEEN CANDY: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

Tonight's the night sugar-loving kids have been salivating for all year!! Our Halloween candy is ready to go. Upon the advice of Sweet Neighbor Girl, we purchased Snickers bars and Skittles. "They are both very popular with the kids right now," we were informed. And lord knows we want to popular because I can recall a whole bunch of crapola on my "Ugh List" when I trick-or-treated the streets of Fredonia a few generations back. Here's a partial rundown of what NOT to hand out:

1. Nothing sticky and chewy, please. I had braces on my teeth for what seemed like my entire childhood, so that automatically disqualified me from enjoying bubble gum, suckers, taffy, Bit-O-Honey bars, Tootsie Rolls, caramel apples, and the like. Major bummer. One must be considerate of all the braces wearers of the world.

2. Anything with coconut. I HATE coconut, so skip the Mounds and Almond Joys and any other treat that has the misfortune of being injected and infected with this icky white stuff.

3. Licorice. I HATE licorice more than coconut! No Good and Plentys allowed in my candy bag!

4. Hot cinnamon candies and Hot Tamales that create fat lips and canker sores.

5. Necco wafers, which are nothing but semi-flavored chalk if the truth be known.

6. Jawbreakers. There's a reason why they're called Jawbreakers. They break jaws. And teeth. And braces. Forget it!

7. Pretzel sticks. I HATE pretzels!!!!

8. Those little boxes of raisins. Sure, they are supposed to be a healthy alternative to all the cavity-causing sweet treats, but I HATE little boxes of raisins. And big boxes, too.

Am I sounding picky yet?

If I couldn't luck out and get a Snickers or Butterfinger bar when trick-or-treating, then I hoped for some Pixie Stix (nothing like pure, unadulterated fruit-flavored sugar to keep up one's energy while ringing doorbells) or those little wax bottles that contained some sort of colored, fruity syrup inside. What were those called? Wax Bottles of Colored Fruity Syrup, I think.

I sure hope when I pass out candy tonight that none of the costumed visitors will moan and groan with the ever-popular Snickers and Skittles. If they do, I'm going to pummel them with Necco wafers and yell, "Just be glad you didn't get any licorice-covered raisins, you little ingrates!" That'll teach them not to be like me when I was a kid.

(P.S. Big Bore has requested I add some of his trick-or-treat favorites, aside from hitting the jackpot with full-sized candy bars: candy cigarettes, bubblegum cigars, wax lips and wax harmonicas, Chik-o-Stix, and Bazooka bubblegum with the comics inside. Ah, those were the days!)