LIGHT UP

Has anyone put up Christmas lights outside yet? Last Saturday, Big Bore and I took advantage of the nice weather and put up a few strands of lights on the front porch eaves, but we agreed not to turn them on until Thanksgiving weekend, when we’ll add some garland and bows to the porch posts and call it a wrap. We are not the goofus Clark Grisswolds of the neighborhood, but we aren’t Ebenezer Scrooges, either.

Now, you may not have heard of it, but there is something in legal circles called the “Bore Rules of Christmas Decorating.” Mama Bore and I came up with these technical regulations last year when driving around her town one December night checking out the decorated homes and yards.

In a nutshell, here’s the first rule: DO NOT MIX THEMES! If you want a religious scene, fine--but don’t throw in a bunch of snowmen, reindeer, and elves while you’re at it. Baby Jesus only wants to be surrounded by his parents, three wisemen, shepherds, and angels. He doesn’t want a fat red guy waving a jolly ho-ho-ho at him next to the manger scene. I did some research, checking it twice, and nowhere in the New Testament is Santa Claus included on the guest list.

Rule number two: LIMIT THE NUMBER OF OVERSIZED BLOW-UP DECORATIONS! I don’t know what they are actually called, but you’ve seen them. They are operated from an air pump of some sort, and they don’t come cheap. The first year I saw one, a snowman, I thought it was kind of cute. Since then, though, I’ve decided that three per yard is quite enough. Beyond that is overkill. Last year’s record-holding yard in our little town had eight, and, like the old TV show starring Dick Van Patten, “Eight is Enough.” Way more than enough.

Last of all: If I happen to spot any yards with blow-up manger scenes this Christmas season, I’m pleading the 5th Amendment when it comes to being blamed for air leaks.