SIMPLY AMAZING

Last night the television viewing offerings were truly AMAAAAAAZING!

First off, I suffered through two hours of "The Bachelor." This week's first date was hands-down the most AMAZING date in Bachelor history. Also the most frightening, dizzying, and stomach-wrenching. What gal doesn't want a romantic first date climbing to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, struggling 764-feet skyward on those cables, ready to hurl at any moment?

The show's writers scripted every metaphor possible for Bachelor Ben and Bachelorette Emily to recite during this AMAZING expedition. "Bridges being two things together." "Move forward in our relationship." "Take our relationship to new heights." "Coming together across a bridge of love." "Overcoming challenges will make a stronger unit." Really? Does this mean Ben has a weak unit? AMAZING!

Next, A shirtless Bachelor Ben then went on an AMAZING group date, skiing on man-made snow down a slightly declining San Francisco street with a bevy of babes in bikinis. Of course, none of these bunnies knew the first thing about skiing, and the viewing audience got to see lots of flying butt and AMAZING crotch shots as they teetered along. If the bridge date was a new high in "The Bachelor" history, then this date was a new, X-rated low. I hope someone sanitized the skis once it was over.

Well, since I can't take my eyes off this trainwreck of a show, I got through the rest of the episode in San Francisco--tears, fainting, bitchy surprise houseguest and all. Then it was on to something REALLY AMAZING!!!! The Kansas University Jayhawks vs. the unbeaten Baylor Bears! Now known as the previously-unbeaten Baylor Teddy Bears because the 'Hawks took their game to new heights (borrowing a line from "The Bachelor") and slam dunked the opponent, 92-74! Best team performance of the season, by far. It was such a runaway win that I didn't even have to swallow any tegretol or xanax to get me through it. Now that's AMAZING!

"Rock, chalk and--Put your shoes on!"