IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

When I go out on long walks, I play a little game called, "Yard Art or Yard Crap?" I either admire the classical tastes of my fellow Eurekans or turn up my nose at their abominable selections and wonder, "What the hell are they thinking?" Then I choose a winner, in this case a loser, for "Worst Yard Crap of the Day."

My interest in judging the town's yards began about 20 years ago during the "Invasion of the Killer Butterflies." It seemed that every other house displayed a colorful, crafty, wooden Monarch, about two feet squared. One lazy Sunday afternoon my friend the Library Lady and I drove around town taking a census. The championship yard had 36 butterflies, attached to everything--the porch, trees, light posts, fencing, you name it. We thought we'd about seen it all when we discovered the King of All Butterflies stuck to someone's garage. Its wing span was a good 15 feet! We screamed and sought safety.

Well, fast-forward and I'm still fascinated with what people put in their yards. Yesterday's 5-mile walk yielded a minefield of good and bad. I always give high marks to a bird bath, but bath tubs on the lawn are a no-no. The winner of "Worst Yard Crap for April 16" had not one, but TWO bath tubs on display. They were the crusty, claw-foot kind, without the claws. A few feet away were two rusted metal lawn chairs tied to a tree. Now, what's with that? Runner-up was a porch ornament--two smiling, concrete worms dressed like a cowboy and cowgirl. Where do people get the wacky, erroneous idea that this crap is enhancing the value of their homes?

I think if they want to infect their neighborhoods, they should be considerate and restrict their hideous choices to the privacy of their backyards. That's what I do. Nobody has to see my old blue bowling ball, mounted on a spray-painted black wheel base, but me! And that's the way it's staying!