MIRACLE CURE

Lately I’ve been getting a lot of canned phone messages. Yesterday I answered to something like the following: “Do you know someone who is overweight? How about someone who has arthritis or diabetes? Well, do you know that there is an all-natural solution that makes all these problems go away? Scientists have made the greatest discovery of all time. A plant found in remote Siberia in a region called Tiga. A plant with astonishing medicinal properties that lowers high cholesterol and stress.”

If I wanted to continue listening to the sales pitch, I could press one and have my life put on hold forever, so I hung up. Pressing numbers on telephones raises my stress and cholesterol, so I wanted nothing to do with it. Anyway, I already know the all-natural solution for losing weight. It’s a deep, dark secret, and few are aware of it, but here it is: quit eating so damned much!! But depriving myself of yummy treats just doesn’t seem, well, natural. So, I’ve tried to go the way of the second greatest scientific discovery of all time: exercise more!! Unfortunately, my activity regimen, busy as it may sometimes seem, doesn’t negate my massive consumption of the calories Big Bore throws before me. The result: my size 8 jeans are just taking up dead space in the closet because I can no longer zip them up!!

I’ve decided that the only all-natural solution to my weight woes is not to be found in a remote region of Siberia but in my own bedroom. I’ll just quit looking at myself in my frightening full-length mirror!! Problem solved.