LOST IN SPACE

The other night Big Bore and I watched “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” on Animal Planet and, believe me, this sweet dingbat lady who got lost in the Grand Canyon should definitely NOT be alive. I hiked to the GC’s bottom in 1985 and took this picture on the way down (see my hiking companion?), so I consider myself somewhat of an “authority” on the place. Unlike some dimwits on “I Shouldn’t Be Alive,” I didn’t get lost--although I wasn’t too keen about navigating around mule pit stops along the Bright Angel Trail and eating Spam and crackers for two days. Here’s what she did wrong, even though she miraculously lived on her stupidity for 20 days in that Arizona hell hole before being rescued:

1. Hiking alone, well, almost alone. She had her clueless dog, CoCo, along for the escapade. Where is Lassie when you need her?

2. Not telling anyone her hiking route. No compass. No trail map. No common sense.

3. Leaving behind her backpack after she got lost because, gosh darn it, it was heavy and slowing her down. It ONLY contained her food, water, and a sleeping bag. Duh!!

4. Not stacking rocks pointing back to her abandoned backpack. Guess who couldn’t find it at the end of the day when she was hungry and cold? …or the next day and the next, etc.

5. Not heading down, down, down to the river. Any “Survivor Man” fan knows this is mandatory. So is drinking your urine when water is scarce.

Well, the list just goes on and on but somehow, with the grace of God, she managed to survive three weeks with no food and a piddling of water before a pack of Indians found her. They could have used her for kindling--she was that dry--but they did the right thing and saved the day, even reuniting her with CoCo, who was living high on the hog at the Havasupai reservation while his mistress was withering away. Good dog, CoCo.

Next time this direction-challenged gal decides to go for a hike, here’s my advice: whip out a map and take a walk around the block.