MATCHLESS

Oh, my! Poor Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger sure had her work cut out for her last night on Bravo. She was trying to find a soulmate for Robin, a well-to-do public relations rep who is unsuccessful at love--mainly because she's looking for a Jewish Matthew McConaughey god-type clone, whereas she is not exactly goddess material.

Money and looks aside, and maybe underneath the thick layers of black eye shadow and redder-than-red lipstick, there is a beauty, Robin has the kind of personality that would be hard to match up to any sane man. Her house is all pink and frou-frou, she wants a Hello Kitty-themed marriage, and she clings to her two pet dogs, Paris Hilton (who receives regular Botox treatments) and Bruiser. Even worse, she has a laugh that rivals fingernails ripping across a blackboard.

During the selection meeting, Robin constantly sucks her wine through a straw, flips her hair around, and tells the men she's looking for a hunk. No substance at all. Most of them seem startled, so Patti pulls her aside and tells her she's never going to get a cock hard (yes, Patti tells it like is) if she keeps yammering about herself.

Finally, Robin chooses cutie Luke the Plumber, in spite of the fact that he makes it clear he hates dogs and is strictly interested in her for her money--especially after she offers to buy him a Maserati and support his up and coming business. He plans the date, which turns out to be biking through Central Park. Robin shows up in a gauzy, low-cut dress and heels, and Luke does his best to "accidentally" pedal into her. Hysterical.

Next, Robin takes Luke on a cruise around Manhattan, where she makes the moves on him, gushing, "I love your muscles." "You're so hot!" "I love a-holes." She proposes to go under the dinner table to molest him, but viewers were spared that experience. Even Patti has her limits. At the end Patti does her usual rant, telling Robin she's hopeless. I could have told her that in the very beginning of the program, but then I'm not paid the big bucks to belch out advice. I just dish it out for free. Robin, honey, you need a therapist--not a matchmaker. Set up an appointment, stat.