DOGGONE IT

When I was walking about the neighborhood yesterday, I came upon an unusual yard sign I’d never seen before. It wasn’t a For Sale sign or a political promo. This one read: “Why do I pay my taxes? Our children can’t play in our yard because everyone and their dogs DOO!!!” Doo was underlined twice. Well, amen to that. It’s not the “dog logs” that bother me so much, however, as the incessant barking and the annual dog bite that I always seem to get.

In our little block, there is a German Shepherd, two bird dogs, four miniature yappers, and a huge black something that looks to be part Lab/part monster. When one starts barking, they all join in like a chain reaction from hell. The good news is: I’ve never been bitten by any of them. Those incidences have happened during my walks about town.

Whenever I see a dog running loose, I freeze. If the owner is outside, he or she will invariably say, “Don’t worry. He won’t bite.” And I reply, “Yeah, that’s what the last person said right before I became dog food.” Most dogs just don’t like me. (Dr. Maureen, yours are an exception.) Maybe I smell like a cat, and that’s why they chase me down. I don’t know.

Last year I was bitten by a little Shih Tzu that was being walked from a leash and approaching me on the street. I told the owner what a cute dog she had, and the damned mutt charged at me and put a hole in my sweat pants. In 2007 I ended up in the local hospital emergency room after a wayward terrier ripped into me.

Big Bore thought I was exaggerating about how dogs don’t dig me until he witnessed it…twice. Last fall we were on a hiking trail and a couple passed us, their dog on a leash, and it charged at me, growling and snapping. The surprised owners said they’d never seen it respond that way before. Just a few weeks ago, a dog of one of BB’s friends practically yanked me out of the car as I rolled down the window to say good-bye. If I hadn't quickly pulled back, my face would have been bitten off. Startled, BB, too, said he’d never before seen the dog, which is a BIG dog with BIG teeth, in attack mode. Leave it to me to bring out the beast in them all.

I don’t know the people down the street who have put up the sign, but I can sympathize with them. I think we need to get together and form a support group. Maybe we can get the local animal control officer to help us before we come down with a case of distemper. It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And I’m having a serious case of indigestion.