PASS THE SALT AND PEPPER, PLEASE

When judging at a high school speech tournament Saturday, I had the misfortune to hear the world’s worst original oration, a persuasive speech with a 7-minute time limit. The competition started out innocently enough. One girl stated that the ACT test is not a valid predictor of success and should not be used by colleges to determine admissions. Another competitor discussed the need for national health coverage. Then….well, there was the “Don’t Eat Babies” girl.

This poor, misguided child discussed “….the eating of babies in 16th century Ireland” to combat starvation. No, there was not a reference made to Jonathan Swift’s scathing ironic essay, “A Modest Proposal,” which sarcastically advocates what she was presenting as a fact. But, it’s what followed that was even more ridiculous. “Some of our nation’s leaders are suggesting that eating babies may be the answer to our current economic problems.” On what planet is this girl living? “I think this is terrible and should not be done,” she remarked. “It’s just disgusting.” Well, duh! It doesn’t take much persuasion to convince me not to order "Toddler, medium rare," from the menu. Where’s the argument here?

Big Sis judged the same speaker during a different round and was equally bewildered. Why the heck was that girl’s teacher even allowing her to present such a dreadfully bad speech? We both gave her the lowest ranking possible, as in “poor.” Sis and I agreed that the best part of this so-called oration was that it mercifully only lasted for two minutes. Fortunately, that wasn’t long enough to ruin my appetite.