GOT A MATCH?

Lately I’ve gotten hooked on watching another tacky, wacky television show, “Millionaire Matchmaker,” on Bravo network. It features Patti Stanger, a 47-year-old, third-generation matchmaker who is sort of a cross between Cher and Morticia of the Addams Family. She has several minions working for her: the long-suffering Chelsea, whose main job seems to be feeding Patti’s ego and telling her she doesn’t look a day over 35; Destin, a Goth type who sports a huge, spiky Mohawk-do, and his gal pal Rachel, whose own odd look features tightly rolled blue bangs.

The premise of the show is that Patti and Co. go about Los Angeles hooking up the wealthy with their perfect matches, and, of course, chaos ensues. Most of their clients have so many quirks and hang-ups that any sane person would immediately steer clear of them, regardless of their impressive bank accounts. One of them, Sex Toy Dave (lovingly called STD by Patti and her crew), made his millions selling, (what else?), sex toys. To teach him a lesson not to be such a horn dog, Patti hooked him up with an exotic babe who was more than his match. Way more. When she wrapped her thighs around his head and licked his eyeballs, poor STD had no clue what in the world to do with her.

Another client last night was a 41-year-old cougar millionairess who was on the prowl for a young stud. Patti thought she was superficial and injected with too much Botox; the two gals clashed immediately, exchanging verbal bitch slaps, but they ended up all huggy happy by the end of the show since Patti succeeded in finding her a few rare fellas who were not horrified by wrinkles.

Most of her clients, though, are middle-aged millionaire males who are after rock-solid hot chicks in their twenties. High maintenance arm candy. This chaps Patti all to hell, and she does her matchmaking best to show them the errors of their ways, usually to no avail. She even had one of her tight, short skirt-chasing clients hypnotized in an attempt to have him choose women more his own age. You have to give Patti credit for trying.

So, if you’re missing “The Bachelor” and can’t get through another day without watching losers at love trying to find their perfect soul mate, I recommend you check out “Millionaire Matchmaker.” Patti’s brutal frankness about men being ruled by their penises is always worth a few laughs. And, after meeting the wealthy singles of L.A., you’ll be soooooooo happy that, in your own life, you chose love over money.