FACING THE FACTS

Hey, all you skin-challenged folks out in cyberland! Are you ready for some helpful tips from the Woman's Favorite Cook Book chapter called "Toilet Suggestions and Recipes"? Well, according to the book, "Blessed is the woman who has a clear complexion," so here goes:

Apparently the main source of bad skin is "comedos, commonly called flesh worms," which I think must be zits. They should be "extracted by the aid of a watch key or a comedo extractor, which can be bought for the purpose. Once the purulent contents are expressed, one must shampoo the face with either alkaline spirit of soap of hebra...or saigo fluid soap." Be sure the face shampoo is thorough. "One should spend ten minutes over a basin of water as hot as can be borne over every particle of skin." Oh, and "....pay attention to the bowels."

There are several cold cream "recipes" in the book, and every one of them requires sperm as the key ingredient--anywhere from 1/2 to 3/4 of an ounce. I'm not sure if this is bottled sperm from a drugstore or fresh sperm from your favorite sperm donor, but melt that sperm with some white wax, oil of almonds, borax, glycerine, then "whip thoroughly in a Keystone egg-beater until it begins to cream, then add oil of rose." Voila! How stimulating!

Wrinkles, I'm afraid, are another matter; however, do not despair because the book says "....you should not have wrinkles before age sixty." Damn. I must have gotten a head start on that one. "If you have lost any teeth, that will account for the lines" prior to reaching 60. The best way to "obliterate wrinkles" is from facial massages, although it won't hurt to slather on some of that good ol' spermatazoa cream when the occasion rises, if you know what I mean.

Other ways to look "charming of countenance" are to have a "cheerful disposition, exercise moderately, rest a good deal, and read helpful books. I would suggest Ralph Waldo Trine's works." Gee. Is he any relation to Ralph Waldo Emerson? Who would have guessed that there would ever be two different writers named Ralph Waldo? Amazing. "Sleep always in a well-ventilated room and one-half hour before breakfast have a dessert-spoonful of pure olive oil in a little lemon juice....to stimulate the bowels." Can't forget those bowels.

There you have it. Simple ways to look better and feel better, too. If you're like me, you can't wait to go whip up some sperm and get started on your new path to beauty. And if all else fails, do as the book says and "Breathe deeply, bathe daily, and think joy!" Have a great weekend!