BURNED ROAST

Last night on that critically acclaimed ABC documentary "The Bachelorette," Lady Ashley took her man-harem to The Comedy Store in Los Angeles for a laugh fest. The "challenge" was for the men to roast Ashley. "Make me laugh," she told them. The best funny guy would receive the coveted red rose, assuring he'd still be in the running for her affections for one more week.

Now, most of the guys played it safe and roasted each other, rather than Dame Ashley. They laughed. She laughed. It was just one big ball of laughter---until she finally became on the receiving end of some of the jokes. There were a few remarks about her 6th grade-sized chest (my words; I can't exactly recall theirs), and one guy was so bold as to state how disappointed he was that Princess Ashley was The Bachelorette instead of some of the other rejects from the last season of the show.

That did it. Queen Ashley dashed off in tears and rolled up into a weeping blob of ridiculousness. Once semi-composed, she returned to the group and told the guys how their jokes hurt her fragile feelings. Big Bore and I were not moved.

"It's a roast, for gosh sakes. What did she expect? They were just doing what they were told to do," Big Bore said.

I agreed. "Hey, baby girl! You thought it was hilarious when the guys were dissed. Not so funny when you're made fun of, huh?"

We both got so irritated with her little pity party that we took a break and went bicycling for 45 minutes. Back with the show, however, Czarina Ashley was STILL whining and whimpering---this time on a single date with cutesy J.P. Now, all the other solo dates have been in exciting, gorgeous locales. Where are we on this one? In her gloomy living room. And she looks like she's been on a crying jag for about a week. Poor J.P. gamely tolerates her hysteria and gets a rose for his efforts. He actually deserves the Medal of Honor for suffering through the drama.

Why don't I feel sorry for The Bachelorette? Good grief! She's young, beautiful, college-educated, and doesn't have an inch of fat on her body. She doesn't have a single liver spot or wrinkle on her face, and nothing sags. If she's insecure now, wait till she's my age. Aaaaaggghhhhhh!!! It'll be a crisis every minute. So, if those remaining Bachelors know what is good for them, when they are offered a rose to accept they will ALL say, "No way!!" and hightail it out of there.

Good luck, guys. May the best man lose.