A BREATH OF FRESH AIR

When I returned home yesterday from a downer of a visit with Mom at the nursing home, Big Bore was ready to cheer me up and bring a smile back to my face.

“I’ve been thinking all day what song I would perform if I was auditioning for American Idol,” he said, not long after I shook off my coat.

Now, if you ever read this blog, you know that BB hates this show and constantly taunts me with the remote when I‘m watching it, changing channels in mid-screech.

“Well, take it away. Let’s hear it,” I said, crashing onto the sofa.

I was expecting something from Pink Floyd or possibly Hank Williams, two of his favorites, so I was quite taken by surprise when he starts singing:

“Green Acres is the place for me.
Farm livin’ is the life for me.
Land spreadin’ out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me the countryside….”

Yes, using his best, big, bass voice, Big Bore ripped into a roaring rendition of the theme song from the TV oldie, Green Acres. He knew every single ridiculous word of it….

“….New York is where I’d rather stay
I get allergic smelling hay
I just adore a penthouse view
Dah-ling I love you
But give me Park Avenue….”

Sweeping arm gestures and goofy facial expressions accompanied his perfect lyrics, and he even provided his own orchestral accompaniment….

“….Da-da-da-da-dum. The chores.
Da-da-da-da-dum. The stores.
Da-da-da-da-dum. Fresh air.
Da-da-da-da-dum. Times Square….”

Scary. Very scary.

“….You are my wife.
Good-bye city life.
Green Acres we are there!”

Once he was done, I did my fake British accent a’la Judge Simon and turned to one of the cats.

“Crit-tah, I do believe he has gone totally mad! That was the worst Green Acres I’ve ever heard!”

“Well, I can do better. Let me try it again,” he anxiously responded. He then started over, this time even lower and with a vibrato added.

“Stop! Stop! You had your chance! There are no do-overs on American Idiot!”

Big Bore doesn’t have to enter any contests. He’s certainly not idol material, but, all flaws aside, he’s a winner when it comes to making me feel a little bit better.