UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS

For probably over a year, Dr. Maureen has been encouraging me to view her favorite football movie of all time, The Replacements, which I think is on TV every other night but I never seem to get around to watching it. Finally, she just sent me the DVD so I'd no longer have any excuses, and over the weekend Big Bore, Great Neph Bo, and I sat down together long enough for a little lights, camera, action.

This movie, which came out in 2000, stars Keanu Reeves as a washed-up football player who returns to the NFL when the regular players go on strike. Academy Award winner Gene Hackman is his coach, and a bunch of lesser known actors fill out the team roster. And where there is football, of course, there are cheerleaders...and here is where the story REALLY went south...for me and obviously me only.

The head cheer gal, who just happens to develop the hots for Keanu, gets her own replacement recruits from a strip joint. Where else? And do these gals ever have all the right moves in their play book. Their repertoire mainly consists of "dance positions" that drive the opposing teams to distraction...as in blown calls and penalties. Now, Big Bore and Bo thought all the gyrations were just laugh-out-loud hilarious, but The Flaming Bore kept rolling her eyes.

"You would never see something like that at a real professional football game," I groaned.

"That's why it's called a movie, Aunt Nancy!" Bo bounced back. "Lighten up."

Well, maybe a couple of scenes of the cheer gals would have been okay, but as the movie went on the number of shots panned to them increased. It seemed that every down ended with a response shot of the strippers prancing around. Give me a break! I just wanted to watch the football games and not all the bumping and grinding on the sidelines.

When the movie was over, I asked the guys for their opinion so I could report back to Dr. Maureen.

"On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the pits and 10 being tops, what would you give it?" I asked.

"A 9," said Big Bore. "It had lots of action (yep, it sure did) and it didn't last long and was right to the point."

"It was over two hours long," I challenged.

"Well, it didn't seem like it, and that's good," he finished.

"I give it a Purple," Bo joined in.

"Purple isn't an option," I said.

"Well, a Purple is a top ribbon and that's what I'm giving it. I can make up my own system."

"Okay. I'm giving it a 5. I liked the action and the comedy with the football players, but the cheerleaders just ruined it for me."

Both the guys agreed that I was just jealous and a prude and where was my sense of humor, anyway? Next time they watch The Replacements, they're going to have to replace me with a substitution. I've been kicked off the team.