CLUELESS

“Role model? Definitely.

Genius? Oh, yeah.

Goddess? Probably.”

The other day a box arrived from my ol' neighborhood partner in crime, Literary Diva, and among the goodies she sent was a little gem of a book called, Nancy Drew’s Guide to Life, by Jennifer Worick. During my grade school years, Nancy Drew, Girl Detective, was the coolest book series that ever existed. Decades later, here comes this terrific new mini-book, a must-have in any clever girl’s library, which takes plot excerpts from the many Nancy books and compiles them into a handy dandy bible on sleuthing, dating, and survival. Here are a dandy dozen among the hundreds of great pieces of advice:

“Gesticulate like crazy to stop an ornery ox.”

“A strange tattoo might be a means of identifying long-lost royalty.”

“Never interrupt a voodoo doctor.”

“If you can at all prevent it, don’t chase after thieves when you are clad only in a leotard.”

“Don’t force your date to go to a ballet or other activity that may not be to his liking if he was knocked unconscious earlier in the day.”

“After recovering from an electrical shock to your system, find as many men as possible to vigorously massage you.”

“Loophole in the moral code: It’s okay to steal a cat if it belongs to your kidnappers.”

“Don’t release a circus animal without some identity from its claimant.”

“Owning your own key-making machine can be quite handy, and a compact one can be stored out of sight under the sink so as not to clash with your décor.”

“Never sleuth on an empty stomach.”

“If you see something resembling a shark in a river, don’t fret. It’s more likely to be a small submarine operated by thieves.”

“If a bleeding, screaming man runs from shore and starts frantically swimming toward your boat, you should probably help him out. He might be escaping from cruel employers.”

Thanks, Diva, the talented Ms. Worick, and the sly Miss Drew for all the laughs. I’m leaving my computer now to go outside and round up an ornery ox.